humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.