My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!