When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
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Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.