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@thenatewolf: Humans: we’re not like snakes
Also Humans: mmmm eggs
@asimplesean: Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.
@therealeatwood: ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?
HER: What? No, I said asterisks.
ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!
@NoToFeminism: I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
@msdanifernandez: Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
@Sickayduh: Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING - HE WAS UNARMED
Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*