@ImJESSPlayin: I ran into my ex today. Long story short, my car is totaled.

@cynicanoldicus: Never threaten anyone. It spoils the surprise.

@BradBroaddus: "I'm not that kind of girl." ~That kind of girl

@slimmy_shady: *too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

@LimeyTheGreat: Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge "I'm gonna jump into that canoe". Me: "No that's your reflection".