Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Haha! 😂
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Where’s my employee discount too?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point