Humor: the only thing I like dry.
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Denise please return my vape pen
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.