Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
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They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one