You Might Also Like
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I don’t know what to do
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
O Wise One….
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.