HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
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I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”