@badbanana: Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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@sarcasticmommy4: My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke's on them because I'm not even trying.
@fro_vo: [airplane intercom] good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
@gruffybeard: Counselor: Why do you resent your wife Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix C: Why M: Something about her water breaking
@SergioValenCo: Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational tweets are hard.