Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy