Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
You Might Also Like
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.