Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
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“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I’m being attacked 😭
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
taking June’s advice to heart
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Just this preview of the story is enough
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.