Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.