hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
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What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
why no one uses midhusbands
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.