Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations