Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
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When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.