Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
This is the one
Succinctly put.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I told my vodka about you.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
(Gaming support cat.)
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR