[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
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Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid