[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
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I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.