[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Do not go gentle into that good night,
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
That’s not how days work.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?