“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.