Lmaoo 😂
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Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.