@LeviathanPride: Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.
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@internetluke: [first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
@kivtur: *steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this? Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
@KenJennings: Parenting is all about wanting to say, "No one cares, honey" 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.