Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.