I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
All is fair in drunk and war.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.