Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
*seductively peels off lederhosen