*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
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When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape