[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
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i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!