[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
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I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!