@Monathais: Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!
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@TheTalkingPipe: I didn't know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That's you. Now, see the guy choking you? That's me.
@VodkaThursday: To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony
@IGotsSmarts: My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
@gitson_shiggles: Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that "Caitlyn Jenner" was not a valid answer.