@Monathais: Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo...I can't believe it's working!
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@RocketRankoon: "What time is it?" *pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away* *Still has no idea what time it is*
@Heartblakekid15: Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it's half empty? Me: cause you're a pessimist!
@blakeshelton: I'm so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted "Why y'all checkin' me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!"