Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge