Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
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I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Put this video in the Louvre
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.