Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”