Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
You Might Also Like
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there