Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
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I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Did I do this right
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Cats are still liquid.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.