My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake