My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice