*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.