Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
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[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Strangers have the best candy.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.