*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
blocked.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.