Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
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My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.