Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
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beware of dog
(jukin media)
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.