Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
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Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Happy Friday
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.