i now pronounce you bounced.
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[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.