*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh