Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I identify as an antique shop.