@ValeeGrrl: Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
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@Mike__Lee: My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
@AnOrangeSNES: Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
@jergarl: Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY.. Wife: Fridge. M: Shoe? W: Fridge. M: How did you.. W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge. M:... W: Idiot.