My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
You Might Also Like
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…