@ValeeGrrl: Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
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@lecalabara: Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
@Juicedballs: If babies named Todd don't call themselves "The Toddler" then what's the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
@fillthevacuum: *checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool* *skinny dips to be on the safe side*