AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?