[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
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ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend