@cuckoo_cachu: Husband has fake roaches that he sets up around the house to scare the shit out of me 24/7. I'm putting out positive pregnancy tests. HA.
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@melpraktis: When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
@astutenewf: Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags? Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
@DudeImShawn: Live today like it's your last. Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn't.